Chapter One: Another Introduction.

As I write this post, I am sitting in one of my favorite coffee shops. The beat of the music playing is mellow; and the soft light falling over my face has a warm, golden tone. The strong and rich smell of coffee hangs in the air like a cloud. The sun is shining through the window next to me, and outside the air is incredibly warm for a mid-February day.

Enjoying this gentle, serene, environment is just one more thing that being bulimic has stolen from me. It’s difficult to let your body and mind relax when your brain is racing; calculating exactly how many calories are in the milk and sugar you put in your coffee, and what is the best way to get rid of them later. The warm and inviting atmosphere has been stripped down to nothing more than a harsh number and the feeling of guilt and anxiety that accompanies food like a shadow.  

I’ve been bulimic for over five years. I began throwing up my food when I was thirteen years old, and I didn’t even begin to fight it until spring of 2011. Over the years I have starved myself, hurt myself, and overworked myself. Being bulimic has taken over my life, my health, and my mind – just like it has done to over 25% of women my age. Many people, even those who suffer from bulimia, are unaware of the short and long term effects it has on the human body. I want to change that. Over the next few weeks, I will be talking more about what bulimia is and the severe repercussions that follow it. I will write more about my struggle with the disease and the treatment that I am currently going through. One of the main things I hope to achieve through my writing is to raise awareness and support for those who are suffering from eating disorders.

This blog, however, is about much more than just my experience with bulimia. I believe with all my heart that reason cannot explain the most important things in life and that logic cannot dictate the most important decisions. And yet my own life is controlled by numbers and figures – by calories and pounds and miles on a treadmill. This blog is about waging war on the sickness that is keeping me from enjoying life. And like it or not, you face the same battles that I do. The fight to not let numbers consume your life is one that all people struggle with, whether they are aware of it or not. I obsess over calories and pounds. Maybe you are controlled by the amount of figures following the dollar sign in your bank account, or the number of people who like your status on Facebook. We often define ourselves and others by these numbers and what we think they say when the truth is that they say nothing about who we really are.

This blog is about not letting numbers control us. It’s about learning to enjoy who we are, faults and all, and living for things that actually fulfill our most basic human desires. It’s about my struggles and your struggles and the fight to overcome them. It’s about not hiding from the fact that we aren’t perfect – and that often, that is what makes us different.

I’m not hiding any more. I’m not running from who I am. My challenge for you is to do the same.